Monologue #2 (comedic)

30 Reasons Not To Be In A Play
By Alan Haehnel
Character: Cecily

Because you're just, you're just, you're just too shy. You...you can barely get two words out of your mouth in front of an audience. Whenever you have oral presentations in class, you, you, you, you just take that zero. If somebody tries to force you, you start to cry. A play? Oh, no, no, no. You're painfully shy. That would kill you. You would just die from embarrassment, staring out at those light, knowing that people are sitting there, judging you- judging what you're wearing, what you're saying, the way you're standing. You'd be mortified! I mean, it's a completely unreasonable request, to ask you to be in a play. They might as well tell youth stand against the wall so they can assemble a firing squad and have you shot, right? You're shy, remember? Hands-freezing, armpits-dripping, knees-knocking, head-pounding shy! Is that a problem? Is it? Just because you're shy, can't you be allowed to just stay in a corner and be that way, or does this society absolutely require that, no matter how traumatic it might be, you have to get up on stage and do whatever some script requires? You're shy, darn it! Shy, shy, shy! So what, if the script says sing the ABC's like n opera star, do you have to go ahead and start singing away? A-B-C-D-E-F-G! That's way too much to ask of a shy person, I'm telling you! If the script should require that you grab some strange guy and hold him close to you like he's your favorite teddy bear; if it commands that you stroke his hair and grab his shirt as if you can't live without him...are you supposed to just go ahead and do that? No! You're too shy! If the script calls for you to kiss him passionately...You see! He's to shy for that and so are you! You can't be in a play and you can't sing opera and you can't grope some guy and you just can't possibly make a fool of yourself in front of a crowd full of people because YOU ARE JUST WAY TOO AMAZINGLY, INCREDIBLY, PITIFULLY.. shy.